On the days when it seems like nothing’s going right. On the days when the city outside my window is vastly louder than all other days. On the days when I feel trapped by the brick, smoke, and blaring horns. On these days I think, “maybe this is the wrong place for me… Maybe I’m not meant to be here. Maybe I made a big mistake”
On those days when the uphill battle feels too hard. The days in which I forget why I’m doing what I’m doing.
…Because on these days I’m too stuck in the doing of it.
On those days I feel like I’m not good enough. I’m not strong enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not resilient enough.
I’m not enough.
Those days I think, “Maybe I shouldn’t have picked this battle. Maybe this is just too much, too fast, too soon. Maybe I’m not ready.”
I can remember all of the other days like this. The other days when I welcomed distraction and fought back tears of exhaustion.
So I have to stop. Take stock. Reflect. Ask myself the hard questions.
And I think “Maybe that is why I have days like today.”
When I am forced to look at who I am inside of this work.
When instead of writing about ontological methodology, I need to stop and look at my own being.
How am I in the world? How do I want to be? How do I beg the world to allow me to be?
These are the days when I have to remember.
…Remember my strength, my intuition, and my heart.
I have to remember that I made it through all of the other days leading up to this one.
…That I am smart enough, because…
How could I be where I am if I wasn’t?
That resilience is a practice of will. It’s a tug of war with your heart.
It is something learned the hard way.
And today I remind myself that although I feel all of this, it’s just too loud, it’s just too hard, how will I do it?
I have to remember,
I am enough.
-Ana Bess Moyer Bell, MA
Founder, Executive Director COAAST (Creating Outreach About Addiction Support Together)